When Someone We Love is Suffering

There is a moment that almost all of us have experienced: seeing someone close to us go through a very difficult phase and not knowing exactly what to do or say. The desire to help is genuine, but the fear of making a mistake, saying the wrong thing, or “making things worse” often paralyzes us. And then we remain silent, at a distance, unable to offer the support that person so desperately needs.

The good news is that supporting someone in distress does not require professional training or perfect words. Research in the fields of social psychology and mental health consistently shows that genuine human presence—simply being there, with attention and without judgment—has a profound impact on the well-being of someone going through a difficult time. It’s not about solving the other person’s problem, but about walking alongside them.

This article provides general guidelines, based on evidence and recommendations from recognized health organizations, for those who want to be a supportive presence in a careful and responsible way. Each situation is unique, and when the suffering is intense or persistent, seeking help from a mental health professional is always the safest path.

First and Foremost: Understand What the Person Really Needs

The first impulse of someone who wants to help is usually to offer solutions. “You should try this,” “have you thought about doing that?”, “when I went through something similar…”. This reaction is natural—it comes from a place of care—but it is not always what the person needs at that moment.

Before acting, ask. Something as simple as “What do you need most right now—venting, advice, or just company?” can completely change the quality of the support you offer. Respecting the autonomy of someone who is suffering is an act of care in itself.

Different people need different things at different times. Some want to be heard without interruption. Others need practical help, like picking up kids from school or dealing with bureaucracy. Others still prefer distraction—a walk, a movie, a conversation about anything else. Don’t assume. Ask.

The Art of Truly Listening

Active listening is one of the most studied and valued skills in mental health and emotional support contexts. It goes beyond staying quiet while the other person speaks. It involves:

  1. Giving full attention—put away the phone, make eye contact, signal with your body that you are present.
  2. Not interrupting—let the person finish their thoughts before responding.
  3. Validating what was said—phrases like “it makes sense for you to feel that way” or “that seems really heavy” show that you understand, without minimizing or exaggerating.
  4. Asking open-ended questions—instead of “are you okay?”, try “how are you feeling about all of this?”.
  5. Resisting the urge to compare—phrases like “I’ve been through worse” or “there are people in much more difficult situations” often invalidate the suffering, even without that intention.

The World Health Organization (WHO), in its guidelines on psychological first aid, highlights that non-judgmental listening is one of the fundamental pillars of emotional support in crisis and distress situations.

What to Say (and What to Avoid)

Words carry weight. In vulnerable moments, they can either comfort or hurt—sometimes without the speaker or listener immediately realizing it.

Phrases That Tend to Help

  • “I’m here, you can count on me.”
  • “You don’t need to have answers right now.”
  • “You are not alone in this.”
  • “You can tell me as much as you want—and staying silent is also fine.”
  • “What can I do for you right now?”

Phrases That Tend to Hinder

  • “Don’t worry, it will pass soon.” (minimizes the suffering)
  • “You need to be strong.” (reinforces the idea that feeling is weakness)
  • “At least…” (tries to find the positive side before acknowledging the pain)
  • “I know exactly how you feel.” (no one knows exactly)
  • “You should…” (before listening to what the person really needs)

There is no perfect script. The most important thing is the genuine intention to embrace, not to fix or convince.

Practical Support: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference

In the midst of difficult moments—a loss, an illness, a separation, a mental health crisis—everyday tasks can seem insurmountable. Offering concrete help is a powerful form of care.

Instead of saying “let me know if you need anything” (a well-intentioned phrase, but one that places the burden on the person who is already overwhelmed), try being more specific:

  • “Can I come by tomorrow at 6 PM with a meal, is that okay?”
  • “Let me go with you to that appointment.”
  • “I can do the grocery shopping this week.”
  • “How about I watch the kids for a few hours so you can rest?”

Concrete actions communicate care in a way that words sometimes cannot.

Caring for the Caregiver: Don’t Forget About Yourself

Supporting someone in distress can be emotionally intense. It is common for those offering support to feel tired, powerless, sad, or even guilty for not being able to “do more.” This phenomenon is recognized in health literature as compassion fatigue, and it is real.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s a condition for you to remain present. Some practices that often contribute to the well-being of those in the role of supporter include:

  • Maintaining a basic routine of sleep, nutrition, and physical movement.
  • Having someone to talk to about your own feelings—a friend, family member, or therapist.
  • Recognizing your own limits and setting healthy boundaries.
  • Remembering that you are not responsible for solving what the other person is going through.

If you are interested in practices that can support emotional balance, the article What is Yoga and What Benefits Can It Bring offers an interesting perspective on how movement and breathing can contribute to overall well-being—always as a complement, never as a substitute for professional support when needed.

Support in Cases of Intense Suffering or Crisis

Sometimes, the difficult moment is more serious: a mental health crisis, thoughts of self-harm, or behavior indicating that the person is at risk. In these cases, it is crucial to know how to act.

Signs That Deserve Special Attention

  • Talks about not wanting to continue living or about being a burden to others.
  • Extreme and sudden isolation.
  • Sudden changes in behavior.
  • Neglect of basic needs such as nutrition, hygiene, and sleep.
  • Excessive use of alcohol or other substances.

If you notice these signs, do not ignore and do not pretend you didn’t see. Asking directly—”are you having thoughts of harming yourself?”—does not increase the risk; studies in the field of mental health suggest that asking carefully can open a safe space for the person to talk.

In these situations:

  1. Listen without judgment.
  2. Do not leave the person alone if there is immediate risk.
  3. Encourage seeking professional help—and, if possible, offer to accompany them.
  4. Remember that in Brazil, CVV (Centro de Valorização da Vida) can be reached at 188, with free calls, 24 hours a day, every day. CVV also offers assistance via chat at cvv.org.br.
  5. In an emergency, go to the emergency room or call SAMU (192).

When to Encourage Seeking a Professional

Emotional support from close people is valuable, but it does not replace specialized care. Gently encourage seeking a psychologist, psychiatrist, or trusted doctor when:

  • The suffering persists for weeks without improvement.
  • The person is having difficulty functioning at work, in studies, or in relationships.
  • There are physical symptoms accompanying the emotional suffering (persistent insomnia, unexplained pain, significant loss or gain of appetite).
  • There are any thoughts related to self-harm.
  • The person already shows interest in help but doesn’t know where to start.

Phrases like “Have you thought about talking to a professional? I can help you research options” tend to be more effective than simply saying “you should see a psychologist.” Offering concrete help in the process reduces barriers.

For those who want to delve deeper into the topic of emotional self-care, the content Emotional Health: How to Start Taking Care of Yourself offers a complementary perspective on how to build habits that sustain well-being over time.

A Presence That Transforms

How to Support Someone in a Difficult Time - A Presence That Transforms

Supporting someone in a difficult time does not require perfection. It requires presence, attention, and respect. Often, the simplest gesture—a message checking in on how the person is doing, an unannounced visit with something to eat, sitting in silence next to someone who is crying—carries more than any words could express.

Nobody needs to be a therapist to be important in someone’s life. But recognizing your own limits, knowing when to encourage seeking specialized help, and also taking care of yourself are essential parts of support that benefits both the receiver and the giver.

If you are also going through a difficult time, remember: asking for help is an act of courage, not weakness. Talking to someone you trust or seeking a health professional can make a real difference.

This article is for informational and educational purposes. It does not replace the evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment by a health professional. If you or someone close is in intense distress, seek a doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. In a crisis, call CVV: 188 (free, 24h).